We just celebrated the man of our house on Sunday. Fathers all over the country were being honored for the important place they have in the lives of their children and families. My husband has done an amazing job! He works 2-3 jobs just so that his household can run smoothly and so I can be home focusing on raising and discipling the next generation. He comes home from work exhausted and still finds time to tickle and wrestle with all of the children, talk to them about their day and reinforce any discipline that had occurred that day. We are very blessed that he has a flexible schedule so that he can be at important events like track meets and orchestra concerts but he pays for it by working extra long at times. He loves his family like Christ loves the church. I am extremely happy that God blessed us with him. I often times think that God paid me back triple fold for what I lost as a child.
I just turned 37 years old and I had given up on finding my father. I had given it a fair try years ago but it seemed like it was pointless. This was the first fathers day that I really didn’t get sad over not having a father. I learned to put all of my hope in the future and the fact that my children were blessed to not have the same insecurities that I had from not having a father. When the last search 2 years ago ended empty handed I decided that maybe God was keeping my father away for my safety. Through my search I found siblings that were also abandoned by him. I met a half brother and a half sister and I was told that there was one more brother. I have yet to meet him or even see any pictures of him. In my last search I discovered that my father moved to Texas, married a woman and had children by her. He started a family and left his other kids behind.
The stories that I have been told about my father are not of a man that I need in my life but deep inside me there is the thought that he has grown and matured and isn’t that same person. Around the age of 19 I asked my uncle about my father and he told me “He wasn’t THAT bad of a person, maybe you should meet him.” My grandmother told me that he took good care of me as a baby. This was the opposite of what I knew. I broke my femur(thigh bone) as a baby. It is the hardest bone in the body to break. I was around 1 year old (no one has been able to tell me for sure but I don’t think I was walking yet) When a hospital sees a break like that on a baby they automatically question the parents for abuse. My mother originally told them that I fell out of the bed but the hospital staff knew that would be pretty hard to do. They finally took my mother in a room and she told them what had really happened. She said that her and my father were fighting. She was holding me and he hit her. She dropped me resulting in my leg being broken. The hospital staff told her that she had to leave him or they would take me away from her. Im not fully sure what she did next but she said that for her, that was the end.
I have 1 memory of my father. It was when my brother was born. I remember my father being in the room. I could feel his presence but in my memory he is just a shadow. It was obvious that I was a proud big sister because all I remember is looking into the crib with such pride, knowing that was my baby brother. I was 3 or 4 and the mother of my brother still has pictures with me and my father from that time. Then he vanished into thin air. I never saw him again. Since my memories of him are nothing I really don’t know what type of relationship we had. I feel that he really didn’t know how to be a father.
All I know about my father is that he was a pimp (that was very popular in the 80’s), he was a drug addict, he tried to rape my aunt, and he was violent toward women. I heard nothing but negative things and when I first tried to look for him my mother told me that I should just be satisfied with what I do have. I think that was her way of trying to protect me. I still feel like it may be a bad idea to meet him. I had moved on…..until.
I received a call from my half sister that she was still looking for our father. She had gotten closer than ever. She actually had a conversation with his current wife. She said that his wife was unaware that he had any other children except 1 (Im not surprised!) She said she would talk to him and call her back. She didn’t call her back but my sister called back. She said he denied it. Now that I know he is within reach, the only thing that I want from him is a conversation. There is always 2 sides to every story. I would like to hear him admit that I am his child and tell me the reason he left in his own words. It’s crazy that as soon as I thought I could care less this comes along and stirs up feelings and questions. So, as I have all of these feelings stir up in me again, I run to the best place there is for comfort. I run to The Bible.
Here are some of the scriptures that speak directly to those who don’t have a earthly father. God is the father to the fatherless.
It can seem hard to feel like God can replace a parent. We often want to get back what we feel was stolen from us. It is very easy to feel cheated, and lets be honest…you were cheated if you had a parent abandon you. However if you take the time to think back, God will reveal how even when you “felt” alone, He was there!
In the end, God has the final say. It doesn’t please Him at all when a parent has jumped ship. God knows the heart of that person but the scripture above reminds us that He will not reward the behavior of the rebellious.
These scriptures really help to comfort me in the midst of my feelings of abandonment. Whether I ever meet my biological father or not. I have true comfort in know that God has and will continue to bless me beyond what the devil stole. He has returned my blessings and will do the same for all who rely on Him.